Missing Dad....

I was just reading a blog of a person who lost her dad at a young age just like me, and was wondering, has my life really changed since the time dad left?? I found myself answering, "TREMENDOUSLY!!"
Hmmm....looking back at the time gone by, I realised a lot has changed, both, inside of me, and in the world outside me. The few months or years immediately after his passing away were painted with gloom, mom and I just lead our lives blindly,taking one day at a time, not thinking about the future, rather, not wanting to, 'cos we were just so scared of everything! I rememeber her getting up at 4 in the morning and rushing for her morning walk, as if she had a very busy day ahead when all she had to do was come back and prepare brunch for the two of us,and that was the only meal we had in the whole day, on many days.Not that we were broke or something,but most of the days, we didn't feel like eating, we had to just force food down our throats.
Those were really dark days, we spent most of the time just remembering dad and missing all the things that we did together as a family. He was a busy man, and I never really got around to spending a lot of time with him( now in retrospect, I feel that if I knew I'd be spending such less time with him, I'd have been a little selfish and spent much more time with him, and did many things that other kids do with their dads!), he was gone just when I had begun to understand the 'serious'things in life (sounds cliche, does it??).From what I saw of him, he was a deep man, one of the few people who genuinely wished, uh....'wished' would be a lesser word, I guess, 'cos he actually DID things to make others around him happy.He tried his best to help anybody who came to ask a favour, he never gave 'No' for an answer, irrespective of who the person was.I have tried my best to incorporate some of his values in my life.

When dad passed away, there were a lot of peole who stood by us, our family was really supportive, they did their best to help mom and me cope with the shock, and eventually, we came out of it. Our family has always been there for us, whenever we have needed them, and I thank God for this blessing. I thank God for my uncle (dad's brother,my chikappa), without whom I'd have missed dad all the more, my aunt (chikamma for me), who was (and even now is) a huge support when dad was admitted to the hospital and I was kinda lost and my granny (whom I lovingly call Anju), who helped me study for my board exams, and helped me clear them in First Class.They have contributed greatly to my life. But somewhere along the road I have always missed having dad around me. Many times,like when I got my results,I have missed him congragulating me, he never showed any disappointment even when I did really badly in my school tests, he always attributed my poor maths skills to our genes! :) Whenever I was done with my exams and returned home, he'd say, in the most happiest of tones,"Ah! you're a free bird now", that was when my vacation would officcially begin, I'd rush home after exams just to hear him say this,it would give me some sort of a kick to hear it from him. When I see a small kid being carried by her dad, I always wonder if dad carried me like that when I was a kid, I wonder what he would have liked me to study if he were to be here now, I wonder if he'd have liked me to work or just finish graduation and then let me spend time at home( that's a secret dream I nurse,by the way, not going to work but just lazing around at home,and doing things I like!:p ) I have a lot of doubts in mind. Sometimes, when I do something nice that I feel good about, I almost instinctively tend to ask myself "would daddy appreciate me for this?"

I have faced many incidents that made me miss him,through all these times, I have just turned to God in different ways, I have prayed, I have read about Him, I have heard about Him and just tried to hold myself up in all these times, and I have realised that I have emerged stronger everytime. And for all this, I have only dad to thank because he has taught me so much even in his absence! Miss YOU Dad!!